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When a Child Comes Out: Guidance for Parents

  • Andrea Liss
  • Jun 2
  • 4 min read

Looking for a little advice about your relationship? Perhaps you have questions about parenting? Ask Andrea! Our social worker, Andrea Liss will pick one question a month and answer it in our mid-month bulletin. You can submit your questions anonymously to her at https://forms.office.com/r/F3rxQKvTdQ


Dear Andrea,

My 8-year-old son just told me he thinks he’s gay. I’m trying to process this news and want to do what is best for him. I’m not exactly sure what I should be doing. Meanwhile, my husband is also having a hard time with news but not saying much. My son has told me he feels shut out by his father since he shared his news with him. Any advice? - World Turned Upside Down 


child holding a rock with a rainbow painted on it

Dear World Turned Upside Down,  

Isn’t it amazing how an 8-year-old can rock both of his parents’ worlds! Likely not since his birth have you had such an upheaval of expectations. My heart goes out to you and your husband and of course your son as you navigate this news. Here are some tips, thoughts and resources: 


#1 Good job mom and dad. It’s important that you consider the good work you have done as parents as indicated by your young son’s capacity to bring this information to you. Your son shared this information with his parents for many reasons, some of which may include his need for your help and support, his wish to bring you closer to his internal world, and his need for your love and acceptance.  


#2 We all process information in different ways. It looks like you are attempting to digest the news that your son might be gay and that your husband has become quiet. It’s hard to know what is going on for someone when they go quiet. Your husband may be experiencing all the reactions that you are including confusion, the need for more information, and apprehension for your son’s safety and wellbeing.  


#3 You and your husband will want to be the first choice for where your son goes for information and support.  Consider the skills and information you both may need to level up on in order to be the ongoing hub for your son. As parents you will want to be your son’s safe haven as he explores his situation. If your child experiences you as reactive, dismissing, or disagreeing he could turn to other sources for information and support. There are a couple of problems with this: you may not be included in the conversations and when this occurs you can’t know whether your son is receiving accurate and evidence-based information.  


#4 Keep in mind that discovering sexuality is a process that takes time. Your son has very likely not gone through puberty yet. As this is a highly informative time when it comes to sexual orientation, the process is still very much unfolding. Adolescence is a time when children become more certain about their sexuality.  


#5. Go with the flow.  Kids grow as their cognitive capabilities expand.    As children age they start to watch and wonder about who they are and who they will become.  Children observe people and their patterns.  They pay attention to movies, lessons in school, and family discussions.  They stare.  It's not unheard of for children to eavesdrop on adult conversations!   

 

Much of your child's learning is about their likes and dislikes. They can develop strong affinities and want to emulate others they admire.  For example if your child has had a positive experience with a Dermatologist they may want to become one.  However children do not understand that there will be a need to complete a bachelor's degree in science, that they will have to take calculus, that they must complete an undergraduate medical degree, and then specialize in Dermatology.  Children's knowledge is limited by the pace at which their brain develops.  Your son has a long way to go yet.   

 

Humans are whimsical and things change.  It's a good idea to "roll with it" dear World Turned Upside Down.   Consider responding to your child's curiosity rather than initiating serious conversations about sexuality.  And if your son's sexuality is top of mind and mentioned my him often, it's worth exploring this in more depth.   Because you'll just roll with that too.   

 

World Turned Upside Down- please share this article with your husband.  If you feel you need ongoing support, please reach out to your friendly, informed, and responsive CFMWS OUTCAN Social Worker:  


And finally, do check out these reputable resources: 

 

This article has been written in its entirety by a living human being and without the use of Artificial Intelligence.


If you would like to pose a question for the Ask Andrea column, please send your anonymous question to https://forms.office.com/r/F3rxQKvTdQ and Andrea will do her best to share some of her ideas.


Andrea has a master’s degree in Social Work and is a Registered Social Worker (Ontario) with over 20 years of experience. She maintains a faculty appointment at McMaster University where she teaches in the Masters of Science in Psychotherapy program. Andrea is your MFS OUTCAN Rest of World Social Worker.  If you are a CAF family member and would to speak with her or join the spousal support group for all OUTCAN spouses that she runs please email her at liss.andrea@cfmws.com.

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