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From Separation to Strength: Tips for CAF & OUTCAN Families

  • Andrea Liss
  • Oct 31
  • 4 min read

Looking for a little advice about your relationship? Perhaps you have questions about parenting? Ask Andrea! Our social worker, Andrea Liss will pick one question a month and answer it in our mid-month bulletin. You can submit your questions anonymously to her at https://forms.office.com/r/F3rxQKvTdQ

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Both INCAN and OUTCAN spouses are often faced with long bouts of time on their own or single parenting. CAF members must often venture off on deployments, training courses or abrupt departures. Here are some tried and true tips for managing spousal absences.  


Absences have a beginning, middle, and end 

When couples face lengthy absences, the specter of being on one’s own can be daunting. Being the one “left behind” can be the more difficult position to be placed in as the CAF member who goes away is busy and often surrounded by co-workers. This is not the same for an OUTCAN spouse. OUTCAN spouses are isolated and sometimes the days can be long and lonely, especially when parenting young ones without support. Some spouses count the days or weeks of separation as a way to keep track of time. Charlotte, an OUTCAN spouse, does it this way: “I note the day Sebastien leaves and count the days until his return. Then, I try to figure out when the beginning phase, middle phase, and ending phase of our separation will be. Then write this on the calendar in three different colours so that each phase has its own colour.” 


But there’s more... 


Charlotte then further says to herself “Right now I am at the end of the middle phase” or “I’m in the middle of the middle”. She knows the “middle of the middle” can be a tough time, but once she sees this phase moving into the ending phase, she knows she’s free and clear. She sighs a sigh of relief and then implements a second strategy: She coaches herself with “You can do this”.  


You can do this 

“You can do this” is something that others say to us when we are trying a new scary activity or heading out for a job interview. But what makes this cheerleading stick? How do we embody this so it’s not ‘just words?’ What does it feel like to be psychologically strong?  

When we work out, we lift heavy weights and grunt and sweat. It is an unpleasant process,  but the outcome is why we persevere. When we come home after a workout and have to shovel the driveway, we feel the strength and physical capacity that gym-time has created. We feel our own strength. We feel the benefits of our hard work and feel physically strong.

  

What then is the felt-sense of being psychologically strong? Being psychologically strong can feel difficult and uncomfortable. We are psychologically strong when we stick to things and are unwavering. We only know we are strong by getting to the other side of uncomfortable, so staying the course is what builds strength. Like Gord Downey of the Tragically Hip so perfectly put it “Courage, it couldn’t come at a worse time”. Strength, whether physical or psychological, takes effort, awareness, and desire to master the situation at hand. Approaching a lengthy absence as a psychological task to be mastered will strengthen you. 


A little help from my friends 

Indu Mahlman and Tammy Kingston are my OUTCAN Global/Rest of World colleagues. They are both experienced military spouses. I asked them for their pro tips for managing CAF member absences. First, I’ll describe a family activity that Tammy shared with me and then I’ll share a list of concrete ways that spouses and children can manage loved ones’ absences courtesy of Indu. 


Deployment/Absence Paper Chain Decoration 

Make a paper chain. Each link represents one day out of the total number of deployment/ absence days. For long absences such as deployments, this could be a loooooong paper chain. You may want to have one colour of a chain per month. Suspend the paper chain in a central spot in your home. Add a few extra links just in case the deployment goes beyond the stated length. As each day passes, one link can be removed. On the removed link, family members can write down something that occurred that day or something that they want the absent parent to know about. Put the links in a large clear container. It’s fun to see the accumulation of days passed and all the family messages. These messages can then form the Family’s Deployment Story and be shared with the CAF member upon their return.  


Get busy! 

Here is a list of ideas for best managing long separations:  

  • Start a hobby 

  • Clean the house 

  • Plan a weekly date night with a friend 

  • Take a class 

  • Get a pet 

  • Arrange for visitors from out of town to visit 

  • Plan a fun reunion getaway 

  • Plan regular self-care appointments 

  • Hire a meal plan service 


Additional Resources 

Three important tips for stress and anxiety: 


Family, child and teen deployment resources 


Canadian motivation for hard personal times 

 

Want to chat with me? 

If you would like more information about managing absences or anything else related to your emotional wellbeing, please contact me, Andrea Liss. I am the Rest of World/Global Social Worker for Canadian Forces Morale and Welfare Services and available for virtual support from Monday to Thursday liss.andrea@cfmws.com.  

 

Last but not least 

Consider joining I Can OUTCAN today!  


If you would like to pose a question for the Ask Andrea column, please send your anonymous question to https://forms.office.com/r/F3rxQKvTdQ and Andrea will do her best to share some of her ideas.


Andrea has a master’s degree in Social Work and is a Registered Social Worker (Ontario) with over 20 years of experience. Andrea is your MFS OUTCAN Rest of World Social Worker.  If you are a CAF family member and would to speak with her or join the spousal support group for all OUTCAN spouses that she runs please email her at liss.andrea@cfmws.com.

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