Grief - What to Do When an Acquaintance, Colleague or Neighbour is Grieving

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Though difficult, it can be a little easier to be with the grief of friends and family than with the grief of an acquaintance. This is because we have history and bonds with loved ones which allow more transparency and vulnerability. Because of having a history with those we are closer to, they themselves may bring their mourning experience into conversation with us. It can just flow out of them.  

But with acquaintances, colleagues and neighbours, it can be difficult to know what to do, simply by virtue of those relationships not being as intimate. But this is also an opportunity-  grief can bring relationships to a new level. Loss can create the opportunity for people to deepen their knowing of each other. This article is about what you can do when someone you know, but not necessarily know super well, has experienced a loss and is in mourning.   

Here are some things you can do: 

1. Acknowledge the loss. You can say to your colleague when they come back to work “I just wanted to come over and say how sorry I am to hear of your loss” or, “I was very moved when I heard about your loss.  My condolences.” Often we are afraid of our own awkwardness or of causing the mourner harm. Always remember that acknowledgement is a gift. Acknowledgement is acknowledgement-  it’s a statement not a question (see #1 below). You won’t ‘make’ the mourner upset by acknowledging their loss. Firstly, we can’t assume that everyone is sad at a loss. Everyone grieves in different ways, and we can never really know the relationship that the mourner had with the deceased, but trust me, acknowledging loss does not cause psychological damage to the mourner.  If the mourner is sad, you do not cause this.   

2. If the mourner wants to share, listen. You don’t need to do anything, fix, suggest or solve what the mourner brings. All you need to do is listen. You can help yourself by coaching yourself to relax while the mourner is sharing their grief. An important curative aspect of grief, or what I call the ‘antidote to grief’, is that a loss and its impact can be shared and talked about if the mourner so chooses. Those in mourning are held and lifted by the social aspect of funerals, where connecting with others is a key aspect of grief processing.   

3. Spend personal time contemplating the immense magic of life and its impermanence.  The gift of witnessing someone else’s loss can have a profound impact on you, the witness, if you take the opportunity to contemplate it. By being with mourners we can appreciate and be grateful for what we have.     

Here are some things you might want to steer away from: 

1. Notice how often you ask your acquaintance in mourning “How are you”?  This may seem to run counter to what I described in #1 above but if you look closely, acknowledgement is a statement whereas “How are you?” is a question. This question forces the mourner to answer, but they may not want to have to get into things at that moment. You’d be better off saying “How are things going” which leaves someone open to answering the question with any aspect of their lives which gives them a greater sense of control.   

2. Don’t talk about your own grief experience, unless asked. This is really a time for the active mourner unless of course they reach out and directly request your input. 

3. Face your fear of harming the mourner or making a mistake with what you’ll say to them. It’s not that hard to show up. Food, flowers, a thoughtful gift or homemade treat are kind gestures that help the mourner heal and will make you feel less helpless.   

Gentle reminder for I Can OUTCAN - the mutual aid support group for OUTCAN military spouses. The Monday group begins Monday, October 20 at 12 p.m. Eastern Daylight Time (EDT) while the Tuesday Group begins Tuesday, October 14 at 7 a.m. EDT.  Contact me for more information:  Liss.Andrea@cfmws.com

If you would like to pose a question for the Ask Andrea column, please send your anonymous question to https://forms.office.com/r/F3rxQKvTdQ and Andrea will do her best to share some of her ideas.

Andrea has a master’s degree in Social Work and is a Registered Social Worker (Ontario) with over 20 years of experience. Andrea is your MFS OUTCAN Rest of World Social Worker.  If you are a CAF family member and would to speak with her or join the spousal support group for all OUTCAN spouses that she runs please email her at liss.andrea@cfmws.com.