Looking for a little advice about your relationship? Perhaps you have questions about parenting? Ask Andrea! Our social worker, Andrea Liss will pick one question a month and answer it in our mid-month bulletin. You can submit your questions anonymously to her at https://forms.office.com/r/F3rxQKvTdQ

Dear Andrea,
I’ve noticed a few things about my friend’s husband. He keeps tabs on her, belittles her, and expects her to show a receipt for what she buys. Yesterday, he called while we were out with the kids and wanted to know where she was and why she had made a purchase at the lunch spot we ate at. He’s recently started accusing her of having an affair and so sometimes she’ll put us on Facetime to ‘prove’ she is not. So far when he acts up, like calling several times when we are out together or putting her down, I’ve only exchanged glances with my friend. I haven’t actually done anything because I don’t know what to do. I think this is domestic violence. Do you have any advice for me? - Worried for my Friend
Dear Worried for my Friend,
I too see this situation as serious. Your friend is likely very, very overwhelmed. The time you spend with her as a friend, one that asks nothing of her, can provide a break for her from the relentless coercive control that you have been witnessing. Keep doing what you are doing. The number one piece of advice is for you to be totally supportive of your friend and to care for her by listening without judgement. Generally, in these situations we want our friends to know we are concerned but what comes out of our mouths is that we need them to change. We have a hard time not being critical when our friends remain in dangerous situations. We as friends get scared.
Women remain in these situations for many reasons but usually it’s because they feel stuck. The abusive partner is so consumed with the need to control that the victim gets painted into a corner and starts to believe they have no options.
If your friend is meeting your gaze when her husband acts up, she too knows that the situation is out of hand. Just how dangerous the situation is, you or she may not yet know. In empathic support we set aside our egos. Driven by fear and anger we can become bossy and advice-giving, want to intervene, or admonish. But keep on doing what you are doing dear Worried for my Friend. Keep up that quiet form of communication. The side glance is worth a million dollars. Doing this will provide a secure base for you and your friend to share your innermost thoughts.
Just a few more thoughts if I may- one of the key pieces that is important for you to note about your story is that it doesn’t sound like your friend has yet to come to you asking for help. What you must understand about your friend’s situation is that any offers of advice or change will not land with her in a way that would push her to make a drastic change right now. We humans always want our loved ones out of harm’s way. But at the same time, if we really think about it, active change always comes from the deepest part of our human well. We all kind of know this but wish there were faster ways to make change happen for others and for ourselves. Don’t get caught up in that urge we all have to push our loved ones to change. This repels when we want to attract.
Change is dependent on many factors including a person’s sense of readiness to change, the degree to which they feel prepared to deal with the stress of change, access to resources, access to support, their perceptions of that support, and feelings of hope and courage to name but a few. Change takes a tremendous amount of work, a lot of it “thought work”. Thought work takes time and clarity which is probably not what your overwhelmed friend has a lot of right now.
Sometimes we are forced to change due to external factors. Common examples of this include when our teen son guilts us hard and says for the umpteenth time “Mom, you need to quit smoking” or when the government threatens to garnish our wages because we owe our taxes. It is not necessarily common knowledge but subjecting children to domestic violence is considered a crime in Canada. This fact plays a role in your friend’s situation.
While threats can sometimes work, in situations of domestic violence, it is preparation and detailed exit planning that are the answer. A victim needs to be strategic about how they will create a new life. If the abuser has access to the children, the situation is going to be grueling. Other high-risk variables include perpetrator access to weapons, depression, substance use, threats of suicide, and claims of “If I can’t have you no one will”. Research is really clear now that leaving a high-risk abusive partner puts the victim at greatest risk for loss of life at the hands of that perpetrator partner. You don’t yet know what level of risk your friend is in, but in time when those glances between you and your friend turn into words, you can come to know this.
Every situation that life presents to us, no matter how difficult, always has some next step that is possible to take. No matter how small that step is, that step can move us closer to the life we want to live. Never ever forget this. You may have to hold this view for your friend who may never leave the situation.
We all know behaviour change takes a lot of planning. Just think of what it takes to stop smoking or change your eating habits. Isolated moms with children to take care of and who have no privacy nor freedom are under tremendous stress. Your friend must actively be able to say to you “I need your help”. Until then, the second-best way to help your friend is by becoming an expert on domestic violence. I’ve listed some resources below.
In a nutshell, hold out your hand and if your friend takes it, that is the very best outcome. https://www.neighboursfriendsandfamilies.ca/
The Netflix film Alice, Darling is must-see film https://cfmws.ca/support-services/health-wellness/healthyrelationships/online-learning-and-webinars
If you would like to pose a question for the Ask Andrea column, please send your anonymous question to https://forms.office.com/r/F3rxQKvTdQ and Andrea will do her best to share some of her ideas.
Andrea has a master’s degree in Social Work and is a Registered Social Worker (Ontario) with over 20 years of experience. She maintains a faculty appointment at McMaster University where she teaches in the Masters of Science in Psychotherapy program. Andrea is your MFS OUTCAN Rest of World Social Worker. If you are a CAF family member and would to speak with her or join the spousal support group for all OUTCAN spouses that she runs please email her at liss.andrea@cfmws.com.