top of page
Search

Controlling Behaviour in Family and Intimate Relationships

  • Andrea Liss
  • 5 days ago
  • 4 min read

Looking for a little advice about your relationship? Perhaps you have questions about parenting? Ask Andrea! Our social worker, Andrea Liss will pick one question a month and answer it in our mid-month bulletin. You can submit your questions anonymously to her at https://forms.office.com/r/F3rxQKvTdQ

ask andrea

Dear Ask Andrea Readers,

Canadian Forces Morale and Welfare Services runs an annual Healthy Relationships Campaign. From October 20 - 31, you will notice more resources coming your way including workshops and articles on relationships. This year’s campaign is focused on young dating relationships, with the theme “Developing Healthy Behaviours in the Early Stages of Dating and New Relationships.” Though the focus is on those aged 18-30, the material in the campaign is very highly applicable to any cohort. Parents as well as people young and old- mark your calendars! Coming your way are loads of resources, videos, and reading materials built specifically for CAF families. Check out our very own Health Relationships website for all things relationships and circle back again at the end of October for the 2025 new campaign materials https://cfmws.ca/support-services/health-wellness/healthyrelationships. In the meantime, here are four annoying relationship behaviours to consider: controllingness, aggression, demandingness, and dependency. This month’s article will feature controllingness.


Controlling Behaviour in Family and Intimate Relationships

Controllingness is about wanting things to go right and well. “This is the right way to do things- it’s my way or the highway” is a controlling statement. Controllingness in children can occur when children see how they can exert power over their parents. Being on the receiving end of control can feel narrow, urgent, blunt, suffocating and annoying.


Controlling behaviour needs to occur for the controlling person so that they don’t have to deal with their feelings of uncertainty, disappointment, or the unexpected. In interpersonal relationships possessiveness can drive controllingness. Possessiveness is about threat to attachment. Underneath such fear is a lack of confidence in self and others.


There is rigidity and anxiety behind control. “Do it this way. Say it this way. Wear it this way”- all of these examples have “I know what is best” underlying them and a worry that bad will happen if the desired behaviour does not occur. The opposite of controlling is collaboration, enjoyment of the uniqueness of others, and magic spontaneity.


At its worst, controlling behaviour shows up in abusive relationships where a partner limits and monitors the behaviours of their partner. But little children can also control their parents by making their parents jump through hoops. In child, teen and adult relationships one person may say to the other “You can’t go out tonight.” This is another example of controlling behaviour.


What to do when you experience controlling behaviour

The best response to controlling behaviour is to be firm and set boundaries. When you set boundaries, you indicate to the person exerting control on you that you draw the line on what is being commanded by them. In the example “You can’t go out tonight” you would respond by expressing that the demand is not realistic or appropriate and that it will not be followed. You may wish to join with the controlling person’s dilemma that they will miss you or that they feel insecure about your going out without them, but it’s not for you to acquiesce to this.


You may receive retaliatory coldness or worse when you indicate what is reasonable and set a boundary. This is a reflection of your partner’s incapacity to tolerate 'no’ and to accept your autonomy. Sometimes people can get into a bind where they worry that setting such a limit will push the other person away. When you do not set a limit early on in a relationship you are tolerating experiences of someone trying to control your actions. It is important to reflect on whether you are tolerating being controlled due to fear of being rejected or harmed. These are not good enough reasons to stay in a relationship. The exception to this is in violent and coercive relationships where there is a high likelihood of lethality. This situation requires the person being controlled to seek help and make a safety plan.


Control, even in modest amounts, will kill a relationship. Sometimes we ‘roll with it’ and do not address control, especially if we do not feel particularly threatened by it. However, saying nothing does nothing to dissuade the controlling behaviour and over time this can wear a person down.


Aggressiveness also requires limit setting and establishing boundaries. Dependency and demandingness require you to have the other person make choices and contribute rather than making their wish your need.


If you would like to learn more about relationships please contact your regional CFMWS Social Worker.


If you would like more information on managing these four annoying relationship behaviours, stay tuned for the upcoming workshop during the Healthy Relationships Campaign brought to you by your trusty OUTCAN Social Workers on this very topic. Until then, check out these great resources:


Controlling Children


Controlling Partners


Rejection Resilience

Workshops starts at the 5 min mark. Great for adolescents, teens, parents and adults!


If you would like to pose a question for the Ask Andrea column, please send your anonymous question to https://forms.office.com/r/F3rxQKvTdQ and Andrea will do her best to share some of her ideas.


Andrea has a master’s degree in Social Work and is a Registered Social Worker (Ontario) with over 20 years of experience. Andrea is your MFS OUTCAN Rest of World Social Worker.  If you are a CAF family member and would to speak with her or join the spousal support group for all OUTCAN spouses that she runs please email her at liss.andrea@cfmws.com.

bottom of page