Looking for a little advice about your relationship? Perhaps you have questions about parenting? Ask Andrea! Our social worker, Andrea Liss will pick one question a month and answer it in our mid-month bulletin. You can submit your questions anonymously to her at https://forms.office.com/r/F3rxQKvTdQ
Dear Andrea,
I just got over cancer treatment about eight months ago. My mom had cancer and died at my current age, so I am worried sick. You’d think a near death experience and my mom’s untimely death would knock some sense into me but it's not like that. I want to be more “in the moment,” instead all I do is worry. I want to be present for my daughter but sometimes, it’s just too much and I get grumpy and edgy. Any thoughts?
- Cancer and Cranky
Dear CC,
Being ‘in the moment’ has been a phrase that has picked up speed in popular psychology over the last decade. But what exactly does this mean? What does this look like and how are we to do this? Thank you for your question CC and on behalf of the whole OUTCAN community, we are rooting for you. You are still very much in the recovery phase of your cancer. The first shift out of cancer is getting the all-clear from your medical team on your labs and post treatment investigations. It sounds like you can check that box off CC. The last shift out of cancer recovery is reconciling with the mind’s continued attempts to understand the assault that has taken place on the body and psyche. Humans are always trying to achieve closure on matters which have no knowable cause or reason and so worry is normal. And also, not inevitable. Your question CC is a very big question, and I won’t do it justice in this month’s column. I’d like to use the next few Ask Andrea columns to touch on several ideas that come to mind about your situation CC. But for now, let’s clarify a few things about being in the moment.
What is the Present? What do we Mean by Being in the Present Moment?
It can differ depending on who you talk to. If you asked a Buddhist, physicist, or psychology researcher each would have a different answer. Generally, I think that what most of us consider as ‘being in the moment’ is the experience of observing and describing to oneself what is happening in front of us ‘right now’ and noticing how it unfolds. This actually only lasts about 2-3 seconds apparently. While the present is measured in time, the past is measured in memories and the future is measured by our fears, hopes and expectations. The past and present are storied by the Ego which thrives on threat.
What if I don’t like the Present?
I think that when most of us are talking about “being in the moment” we are talking about appreciating how wonderful and magical life can be. Being in the moment takes on a spiritual flare and taps into our need for holding in awe that which is bigger than us. Most of us do not wish to be in unpleasantness but since “S&!t happens” we have to navigate it and it too is also something we need to be in the moment with. If you cultivate skills of savouring a hot cup of coffee on a cold day, you will enhance your senses and be appreciative of your good fortune. At the same time, when I am present with my mother-in-law’s gelatinous fish aspic, although unpleasant, I will also experience some satisfaction because I got through eating it and was polite about it. Successfully being in the moment, whether unpleasant or pleasant, expands our overall happiness.
How do I get into the Moment?
I think what you may be saying CC is that you wish you did not get as cranky as frequently as you do. Perhaps working on being present with the unpleasant is something you could play with. Here are some pro tips. There are several interrelated micro skills which, taken together, facilitate ‘being in the moment.’ Any moment. They are, in no particular order: Acceptance, Letting Go, Opening, and “Just Start Over.”
Just Start Over
The key to success in any new skill development is repeated practice. Don’t worry if you forget to be in the moment and start to have regrets that you have been mindless. When you notice that you have forgotten to be in that moment all you need to do is notice this. Once you notice that you were not in the moment, be in the moment with noticing you have forgotten! Without judgment just notice that you have not been in the moment. This is what is meant by the skill of “Just start over.” Just starting over is very forgiving.
Acceptance
People often have a hard time with the idea of acceptance. That is because they mistake it for defeat. Acceptance is often confused with acquiescence or endorsement, but this is also not accurate. Acceptance is an active choice to see a situation as it is and not as the mind wishes it should be. Acceptance is actually more of a behaviour than a mental event. Acceptance requires turning the mind with some firmness and discipline. Turning the mind requires pulling away from one position and then putting oneself in a new position on a matter. It’s quite physical- just like ripping yourself away from ice cream and turning to eat an apple is physical, so is acceptance. Those who have been victims of Post Traumatic Stress will experience a challenging reckoning that “This traumatic event has happened to me.” A cancer diagnosis can do this to a person too CC. No one wishes for traumatic events to occur to themselves or says to themselves “Oh, well, that’s life, sucks to be me” (acquiescence). There comes a time for survivors to say to themselves “Cancer has happened to me. Sure, some people were disappointing and never visited me in the hospital and yes, I am very afraid. And despite this I am going to move along because I want to put the time that I have to good use and to feel good about myself.” Just like cancer reoccurrence is not an inevitability, so is worry about cancer not an inevitability.
Opening
When we turn the mind after accepting, we need to open to the moment. When you are in the moment with your daughter CC you are opening to the magic that your child brings to your heart. When you are unhappy that you worry a great deal, you can also open to this to let it be what it is. This opening actually helps unpleasantness pass because the quality of it changes- it ceases to be the enemy. Opening lessens the weight of what is unpleasant, making space for some kind of alteration or shift.
Letting Go of Worry
A really great image that helps induce the idea of letting go is that of a tug-of-war. When we are at a team building event or family picnic and playing a game of tug of war, we can pull, heave and grunt all we like- if this gets us to win, it was all worth it. Now imagine you are holding on to a rope and worry is also holding on tight. It’s just you vs your worry. If you care about winning, you will stay in the game. But what is the prize? If you want to take a break from worry you will need to drop the rope. Imagine yourself throwing down the rope of worry and walking away. A little-known fact about worrying is that it is easier to do then to let go. Letting go of worry takes resolve. Connect with your values CC and it will come.
Want to learn more?
For more tips CC, why not check out some of the other Ask Andrea columns in the archives? September 2023 is on life transitions, June 2023 is on grief, mourning and sense of self, March 2022’s column is about identity, and April 2024’s column is on dreams and values.
Lastly, Byron Katie, a pop psychology author has a pretty neat 4 Questions exercise. If you are interested in understanding the problems associated with being in the past or future, I think she does a pretty good job of working that through with people, live on her podcast. Check out two of her podcasts related to health anxiety:
https://thework.com/at-home-with-byron-katie-podcast/ Check Podcast #32 called “Perfect Health” and Podcast #5 “From Sickness to Health.”
Best wishes CC!
If you would like to pose a question for the Ask Andrea column, please send your anonymous question to https://forms.office.com/r/F3rxQKvTdQ and Andrea will do her best to share some of her ideas.
Andrea has a master’s degree in Social Work and is a Registered Social Worker (Ontario) with over 20 years of experience. She maintains a faculty appointment at McMaster University where she teaches in the Masters of Science in Psychotherapy program. Andrea is your MFS OUTCAN Rest of World Social Worker. If you are a CAF family member and would to speak with her or join the spousal support group for all OUTCAN spouses that she runs please email her at liss.andrea@cfmws.com.